Anyone ever tell you that you DON'T have Cancer?

One type of cookie down, one chilling in the fridge.

While engaged in these holiday domestic duties I've been reflecting on my current "on hold" status as a cancer "survivor" (Still not entirely comfortable with that term!).

Having a cancer of unknown primary - CUP - is bad enough. If you tell someone you have cancer, invariably you are asked what "kind". Then you have to either go into an explanation of what you don't have, and generally it's more than they wanted to know, or you just say where it is located - in my case, in my liver.

But now I get to compound that issue by being in a no-man's-land state of no growth. So, am I in active treatment? Is this going to last very long? Does it mean I might be "healthy" for a while? What?

It's led a couple of people I know to ask me if I'm SURE I have cancer in the first place. Now how in HECK are you supposed to answer that? Well, they took a biopsy and checked it twice and determined they were "naughty" cells. (Hey, it's the holiday!)

They are "slow growing" so much so that there's been very very little change since they first found the growths. Does that mean that they are not growing at all? Does it mean they are not actually cancerous? Does it mean .... what?

It DOES mean that the two different chemotherapy protocols I've had have NOT appreciably changed anything. OR.... maybe they did! Or maybe one did but we don't know which one.

I can see why some family and friends are wondering if I've gone through the last 4-5 months for nothing! Since I'm "invested" in all the fear and remorse and pain and loss so far, I don't "want" it to be for "Nothing". On the other hand..... I'd love to just turn the clock back to July when I was blissfully ignorant of anything in my liver that didn't belong there.

I see more significance and truth to the hat I purchased from the "Crazy Sexy Cancer" website all the time. The hat is a knit cap totally unremarkable except that embroidered along the front is the phrase "FUCK CANCER"! No kidding.



Note to those who haven't heard of this yet:

Cancer Survivors Kris Carr and Erin Zammett Ruddy

Crazy, sexy…cancer?
It’s quite the feat to laugh in the face of a deadly
disease, but that’s what Kris Carr—the woman behind the new documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer—does every day.

I love this whole interview at http://www.glamour.com/health/articles/2007/08/crazysexycancer also see Erin's Blog at: http://www.glamour.com/lifestyle/blogs/editor

One of the interviewer's (Erin Zammett Ruddy) questions:

ME: What do you do now when cancer gets to you? Buying things I don’t need and can’t exactly afford, like a third pair of Bruno Magli sandals, always helps me.
KRIS: Shopping is often my cure, too! Or I dust glittery powder on my face and dance to hippie music. I also pray, do yoga or dive into an inspirational book. If I let a blue mood run rampant, before I know it I’m obsessing about the color of the satin lining in my coffin—will it match my dress? That’s when I feel like Alice in Cancerland falling down the rabbit hole and just have to stop. Seriously, you should try glitter; it’s incredibly healing.

I may not be in the age group these women target (Under 30 more power to 'em) but I'm right there with the sentiment! (I WAS a hippie!) So I wear the hat even if I cringe sometimes that some little ol' lady at the Cancer Center will be offended. Or that someone will yell at me at the grocery store. OH WELL. Where do I get the glitter? :-)